This morning I walked out into my waiting room to see Lonnie and Ginger sitting there waiting for his labs to be done. I went over and talked with them and found out he needed to go to Marshfield today to get a stomach x-ray due to problems with his dialysis catheter. I mentioned that maybe Dr. Unwala could see him today instead of Wednesday to save them a trip. Of course we wanted to hear what Dr. Unwala had to say about the mass on the kidney, but then again did we really want to hear? One of my technicians, Jean, graciously offered to call Dr. Unwala's office(bless her heart) and see if they would move Lonnie's appointment to today. Dr. Unwala agreed to see him at 2:30 p.m. A little bit after 5:00 I called Ginger to see what they found out. She said it was not good. Dr. Unwala is pretty sure the mass is cancerous. I was crushed. My first thoughts were of Lonnie and his health, which I so desperately want to be good. My second thoughts were that of anger and a bit of distrust of God. I'll be honest -- I was mad at Him! How could He bring us this far only to crush our hopes? What about all the signs? Did I imagine them all? I felt like I was led astray -- like nothing made sense anymore. I also felt like I had gotten Lonnie's hopes up -- only to have them crushed. And then I hung onto the hope that Dr. Unwala did say he COULD be wrong. So he could be, right?? I mean doctors are wrong all the time. But I must admit that I was heartbroken and my faith was in danger of heading downhill quickly. Ginger said Dr. Unwala was setting up more tests -- hopefully for later this week.
I made it through the night at Josh's ball game and tried to keep a smile on. After we got home and got everyone settled I was talking to my sisters on Facebook and I simply lost it. I crawled into bed with Mike and sobbed in his arms for a good 20 minutes. How could this be happening I wondered? Had I done Lonnie a huge disservice by offering him hope where there might not be any? Would it have been better if I had never offered to be tested?
A few minutes ago I got up out of bed and went into our bathroom. We have a perpetual calendar in there that has a fact, story, or joke for each day. Generally they will be related to that particular date. I suddenly had the urge to look at July 13th, our scheduled surgery date. I could not believe my eyes. Here is what JULY 13th says, "Random Fact of Origin...On June 17th, 1950 an Illinois surgeon named Richard Lawler removed a kidney from a donor who'd been declared brain dead moments earlier and transplanted it into a 44-year-old woman named Ruth Tucker....." It goes on to talk about the transplant and rejection, etc. It didn't matter to me what the rest of it said however. My faith is restored. Just that one simple sentence and it was restored. God DOES have a plan!! Why would there be a random fact on July 13th about something that happened on June 17th?(Which is Josh's birthday, as you might recall from an earlier post) I often read ahead on the calendar when I am bored, but I had never even glanced at July 13th before. As always, God's timing was perfect. My faith is indeed restored -- and I needed to share that with you all tonight.
Kidneys went to Chicago over the weekend. Hopefully that is the last time my left kidney will go there without Lonnie. Please pray...please keep the faith.